Skirt-Chasing

No productive member of the working world goes to the local fitness center at three o’clock in the afternoon. I know this because I am unemployed and pass my dreary days in my parents’ house watching soap operas and afterwards get out to go swimming. My fellow amphibians are high-school athletes and senior citizens. The kids are involved with after-school activities so they can go to good colleges and lead successful lives. The old people have led successful lives and can fritter their afternoons away. I try not to mingle, but I could be a role model for the former or advice seeker from the latter; I’ve graduated from a good college but need to get that first job so I can successfully retire.

Today, after a long swim, I walk into the sauna and encounter a very tan, very old, very wrinkled man, who sits cross-legged on a bench, wearing some sort of white cover-up that is so small that it dominates the whole room. In addition, he has red polish on his toenails and white polish on his finger nails. I know I will be very uncomfortable sitting alone with him, but I fear looking like some sort of bigot if I turn and walk away.

“You’re going to behave yourself, right?” he asks.

“I’ll try,” I say. I’ll try to stay in here for five minutes, I think. Then I can make an excuse about the heat and leave.

“Don’t worry, I’m just kidding with you,” he says. “You’re just a kid. You’re like a fish in the water though, I saw you out there. What are you sixteen, seventeen?”

“Twenty-two.”

“Twenty-two! That’s still young but I thought you were in high school. You could jump right in with the team out there.”

“Yeah.” Short sentences, I remind myself. Don’t get involved.

‘I was on one,” I say.

“It shows,” he says. “Don’t worry about me though, I’ve got enough problems. You wouldn’t believe all that I’ve been through, that’s why I’m here, I’ve just gotta relax that’s what my Mom told me She just said take it easy, that’s what we both need to learn to do.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Just small minds is the problem I could give you the long version but we’ll be here all day. I went to a town council meeting last night and I have this great plan to bring an airport to the township, but no one would even let me explain. These bureaucrats are just so stuck in their ways they wouldn’t let me talk and it upset me so much that my stomach is in knots and my ulcer is acting up. I told my Mom about it, she’s ninety and, she was so upset about me being upset that she couldn’t sleep and that kept my Dad up and he’s ninety-three and he’s got heart problems and now I’m all worried about them, so I’m just a wreck.”

“Oh. Sounds awful.”

“Let’s not talk about my problems, though, let’s talk about you. My name’s Frank by the way. What do you do, are you a nurse?”

“No, I don’t work yet. Live with my family.”

“I live at home too, with my folks. I divorced my wife seventeen years ago. She was too young for me, she was only thirty-three and I was forty-six, so she wanted to go explore the world. I’ve forgiven her for it, though. I hope she’s doing all right. Last I heard she went off with a biker in West Virginia. I really would have done anything for her, it tore me apart. I even paid for her to go to school so she could be a nurse but I don’t think she ever made good of her degree. I know they keep odd hours though, so I was figuring that’s what you did. We could have had something though you know.”

He looks at me expectedly, as if I’m his ex-wife who owes him an explanation.

“Yeah, well…I guess sometimes you just have to let people do their own thing.”

“You know what? That’s exactly right. It’s just that no one around here gets it. At least not the people in charge, you know. I used to be a teacher and I was great at it, the kids loved me, I didn’t make them do written homework and it was okay if they didn’t get to class on time if I knew they were learning, you know, but the guys in charge didn’t want to see someone like me succeed so they fired me.”

“That’s terrible. What did you do?”

“Well, I taught some college classes, they’re more liberal and I’m sort of looking around for other opportunities and I have some shops that I run. I’m sixty-two and I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do. This plan would have been a windfall for me, honest truth. I need to move on. I can’t worry about. Not when I can come here and have good-looking girls like you chasing after me.”

“Uhhh…it’s kinda warm…what’s the temp-?” I say, scooting toward the edge of my seat to stand up.

“Only kidding. Not that I’m not in great shape. How about these abs?”

He stands up, so I scoot back as he twirls. His cover-up is a white spandex skirt.

“Look at this, I’ve got seven skirts. I got them in New Jersey. I look good in them too, but I can’t wear them in certain parts of town, the guys would give me too much trouble. They’re what everybody wears in New York and Los Angeles, though”

“Yeah. They’re more open.”

“Not that I’m gay or anything. I just look good in them. I went to a costume party last Halloween dressed in a long blond wig and I won second prize for best dressed. The DJ said if I was really a female he would have picked me over any woman there, and there were some very attractive ladies there.

“I’ll bet.”

“ The ladies at the gym, they’re okay. They’re the ones who did my nails. At first it was just my toenails but I figured why not go all out. It’s all reversible. These girls are lots of fun. They keep me from going crazy.”

“Everybody needs something.”

“As a matter of fact, they told me they have some new lipstick for me too try on. It’s waterproof. I bet that’d look great on you. Do you want to try it out?”

“No, I think I just need to relax in here.”

“Yeah, it works wonders for me. Just let me know though, we’ll be at the hot tub.”

“Okay,” I say and smile as he leaves, and look up at his head as he turns around. He has a long white braid in his hair.

I stay in the sauna until it really does get too hot. On my way to the locker room, I pass through the pool area. A group of serious-looking boys are diving into the pool to the sound of there coaches’ whistle and Frank is sitting in the hot tub, surrounded by women and laughing. He gives me the thumbs up sign. I pull the towel wrapped around my waist up to thigh-length and decide that tomorrow I’ll skip the soap operas and come in earlier.